the matter of time

everyone had at least once throughout their life, stumbled down and everything seemed to pull you down even deeper with the presence of attempt getting up. so. did. i. in the fcking fact, i had gone through it, a lot; fcking loads. until, when i previously stumbled, i finally said to myself "bitch, you had enough. this. is. too. much. just stay falling. just fuckin fall." there, was my limit, back then. i didn't think by trying hard to get up would fckin help me to heal. so, instead of trying to be on my feet, i let myself fell. i am now okay; well, at least, that is what i think and believe in (or what i choose to believe in). why? why do we need someone else to validate whether or not that we are fine? it is fuckin okay even when there is nobody; just no fuckin one to held their hands toward you. besides, how sure we are those hands are gonna pull us to stand up or worse case; they push. 

get your dirty hands away. this toxin creature does not need such fraudulent.

so goodbye now. 

and.

forever.

---

---

(untitled post)

I left this post untitled. because I honestly couldn't think of anything as the title.

I had been thinking of posting for weeks now, but I just couldn't do it. Funny thing is that I was afraid, and I wasn't sure what was it that scared me. (I mean like, what's so scary about writing on blog tho) I have come to learn that whenever anything scares me, I should get myself over it, not avoid.

I'm scared of being alone. To walk alone at night, especially when it's dark and no sign of lights. So, there was one night. I was alone, outside. Wonder how did I manage to be alone at night and my parents didn't call? It was because I lied to them. Yeap, I lied. (sorry mom&dad) I tried to ask some of the friends out that night, but yeah. out of 10 people that I had asked, 9 were busy and just couldn't make it. So here's the story of that 1 friend who came and helped. He had tried everything he could, anyways that might would work. Turned out, I met the person that had hurt me in the past. It was okay. Everything was. Because I had let things go.

So, what happen to my fear? The fear of being alone at night? I overcame. I walked alone that night, to the place where my 1 friend and his friends (including the one who hurt in the past) were. There were dark roads. Lonely bus stop. My feelings were numb. Honestly, I didn't feel anything that night but embarrassed for asking help from my friend and had actually caused him trouble. (he's indeed a freaking nice friend) At least, I've never felt like I was being used when being  him. I felt like someone appreciated me or something. So, that night, we got time wasted. Small talks, night ride with nowhere to head, waffles with ice cream on top, stupid jokes about their past. I knew I wasn't one of them, from the stories I knew I wasn't. But I couldn't thank them more for accepting my presence that night. For making me laugh. For treating me like I wasn't a burden even tho the fact that I was.

there were other nights that I walked alone heading to a place I wasn't sure either the person I wanted to meet was home or nah. (it was raining that night) to be frank about the feelings I had that nights, I knew I was supposed to be in fear. there was no guarantee that I could get home safely, but I still did it anyways. Indeed, I had my life at risk, but that's the fun in it! To do things that we aren't supposed to do; first from creating the best regrets! there was a lady who I respect asked me "you're not collecting regrets, aren't you?" man, do they sound the same meaning? if they do, then that's it. I am collecting regrets, but the best regrets. Someone I knew told me that I was stupid for being alone that night just to see someone (who had totally abandoned me) and even put my life at risk. what I told myself was at least in the future I won't regret not doing anything. tho things didn't work well, but at least, there was something that I did to save it. Besides, I don't want to live with the thoughts "what if" for the rest of life. I wanna live with the thoughts "I did something" be it whether I had put my life at risk or nah. At the end, I know I'm the one who's responsible for my own life. Nobody's gonna risk their life for me but me. So there, make the best mistakes and have things to regret :)

---

---

welcome back :)

it has been kinda long since the last time I posted (uhh.. that's two years ago) so hi! I know, I know, it ain't new year anymore, even January is coming to its end soon. (((by the way, I'm listening Troye Sivan songs while typing! you may wanna listen to his song too :) )))

recently, my classmates (including my lecturer) and I have been discussing HIV and AIDS. and not only that, we were also talking about LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Transexual). oh hey! FYI, there is Pansexual as well. If you're wondering what exactly Pansexual is, let me try to explain by using my own understanding (based on what I've been told by my lecturer and Google). There are many people whom couldn't differentiate between Bisexual and Pansexual. It's easy, Bisexuals are those people who are attracted to both sexes whether male or female. meanwhile, Pansexuals are the ones who can be attracted to any gender. Be it either attracted to male, female, bisexual or transgender.

have I made them, the terms clear? (I hope I had) to whoever that is reading (if there is any) and now you're wondering what does it mean by transgender. It stands for someone who doesn't conform to her/his typical association with her/his sex to which s/he was assigned at birth. I paraphrased the definition from APA's website. ((APA stands for American Psychological Association))

So, coming back to what I was going to say here, have any of you who are straight wondered how did these people become the people they are now. just what had triggered them? why did they choose to against their nature? okay, before we keep on questioning and drowning in the pool of curiosity which may lead us to die within any seconds for having unanswered questions. why can't we first, accept the people they are, without considering their genders? accept them, as a whole. for the persons they are. do not, just DO NOT discriminate and alienate them. if we have the intentions to actually help them, we gotta get rid of these prejudices towards them.

I gotta admit that I do have gay friends, seriously, nowadays, who doesn't befriend with them? and yessssss! I wish I could help them to be straight. but then again, who am I kidding with? (I, myself could barely survive this shitty life)

I guess that's what learning psychology does to me. To accept whoever or whatever someone is.

if you people out there really have the intention to help your friend, family member, or anyone who is not straight, trust me, I'm with you. and yeah, honestly I do not have any idea on how to change them. here's what I learned from psychology, we are not anyone's savior,  the matter of fact, we're just helping them. however, they gotta help themselves too.

can you imagine to be living with everyone keeps on telling you that it's wrong to have any "feelings" towards anyone who is the same gender with you? throughout your whole life? these people, they might have suppressed everything that they feel. don't you understand how does it feel to be that way? I'm not saying all of them, but I've met some of them. they feel that they're disgusting, people don't accept them, it's like the whole world is against them. seriously, do you really think that they wanted to be that way?

talking about HIV and AIDS. people seriously need to stop feel disgusted to be around with people who have HIV. I don't understand why is everyone being so mean towards them. like they don't belong to the same world that we're living. they're neglected. as if we could be affected by the virus just by getting touched. omg, nooooo. that is the most infamous misconception you will never be affected that way. there is no way that we can be affected unless if we had made any contact with infected blood, semen, breast milk, or vaginal fluids. you people, seriously, go study and get a valid information. if you can hardly find anyone to educate you, there's something called google. a pregnant woman can pass HIV to their babies too. so girls, if you're affected with HIV, chances are your babies will be affected too.

with the hope that the world I'm living will get better, peaaaace :)

---

---