I left this post untitled. because I honestly couldn't think of anything as the title.
I had been thinking of posting for weeks now, but I just couldn't do it. Funny thing is that I was afraid, and I wasn't sure what was it that scared me. (I mean like, what's so scary about writing on blog tho) I have come to learn that whenever anything scares me, I should get myself over it, not avoid.
I'm scared of being alone. To walk alone at night, especially when it's dark and no sign of lights. So, there was one night. I was alone, outside. Wonder how did I manage to be alone at night and my parents didn't call? It was because I lied to them. Yeap, I lied. (sorry mom&dad) I tried to ask some of the friends out that night, but yeah. out of 10 people that I had asked, 9 were busy and just couldn't make it. So here's the story of that 1 friend who came and helped. He had tried everything he could, anyways that might would work. Turned out, I met the person that had hurt me in the past. It was okay. Everything was. Because I had let things go.
So, what happen to my fear? The fear of being alone at night? I overcame. I walked alone that night, to the place where my 1 friend and his friends (including the one who hurt in the past) were. There were dark roads. Lonely bus stop. My feelings were numb. Honestly, I didn't feel anything that night but embarrassed for asking help from my friend and had actually caused him trouble. (he's indeed a freaking nice friend) At least, I've never felt like I was being used when being him. I felt like someone appreciated me or something. So, that night, we got time wasted. Small talks, night ride with nowhere to head, waffles with ice cream on top, stupid jokes about their past. I knew I wasn't one of them, from the stories I knew I wasn't. But I couldn't thank them more for accepting my presence that night. For making me laugh. For treating me like I wasn't a burden even tho the fact that I was.
there were other nights that I walked alone heading to a place I wasn't sure either the person I wanted to meet was home or nah. (it was raining that night) to be frank about the feelings I had that nights, I knew I was supposed to be in fear. there was no guarantee that I could get home safely, but I still did it anyways. Indeed, I had my life at risk, but that's the fun in it! To do things that we aren't supposed to do; first from creating the best regrets! there was a lady who I respect asked me "you're not collecting regrets, aren't you?" man, do they sound the same meaning? if they do, then that's it. I am collecting regrets, but the best regrets. Someone I knew told me that I was stupid for being alone that night just to see someone (who had totally abandoned me) and even put my life at risk. what I told myself was at least in the future I won't regret not doing anything. tho things didn't work well, but at least, there was something that I did to save it. Besides, I don't want to live with the thoughts "what if" for the rest of life. I wanna live with the thoughts "I did something" be it whether I had put my life at risk or nah. At the end, I know I'm the one who's responsible for my own life. Nobody's gonna risk their life for me but me. So there, make the best mistakes and have things to regret :)
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